Stop Trying to Be Somebody Your Secondary School Crush Would Like

I've decided to start writing 'life reviews' so I can occasionally share my thoughts on being human and give life some feedback so hopefully it steps up its game. I know it's a little different from the things I normally review, but as my bestie Shakespeare once wrote, "all the world's a stage" and every play deserves some evaluation.

I recently had a pretty confronting conversation with my best friend as we were driving down from Scotland. We were talking about how I view myself and my approach to life. For years I have had the attitude that I'd rather be messy than boring, no matter the consequences. I think this was amplified even more by being a creative type, the idea that contentment is the killer of creativity and happy people make bad art. My friend said something to the effect of "you think that being chaotic makes you interesting" to which I replied "it does, I don't know what I'd be left with without it". I've been thinking about that ever since.

Work with me for a minute, and put yourself into the headspace you were in throughout your early teens.

In secondary school, when I was thirteen or fourteen, I had my first real crush. The kind of crush that you only have when you're that age, obsessive and embarrassing and all consuming. He was nonchalant and alternative, basically any flannel-wearing indie girl's daydream. He was too cool for me and made me feel like everything I was into was dumb and childish, which obviously made me want to impress him even more. Spoiler alert, I wan't able to impress him and he never gave me a second glance. Instead I sat by, watching as he perused his own crushes and pretended I was fine.

One day he moved schools and stories started floating around about his new lifestyle of posh boy drugs and house parties. As a fourteen year old living through the early 2010's resurgence of soft grunge and dark tumblr aesthetics, you can imagine how exciting this all sounded at the time. Although it was irrational, (as most things at that age are) I was obsessed with this abstract idea of who he had become and was desperate to be somebody he might like. I wanted to be as cool as I thought he was in the hopes that he might finally find me attractive, or at least interesting. I ditched all my dumb and childish interests and leant fully into teen angst and chaos.

Because of the conversation I had with my friend in the car, I realised that I have never fully stopped trying to become somebody that my crush might have been into. I subconsciously spent my teenage years and early twenties scrambling to be the messy version of myself that I thought I had to be in order to be liked.

Despite everything I've just said, I haven't spent the past ten years or so thinking about my secondary school crush. My actions haven't directly had anything to do with him, that would be insane. It's just that those early teen years were so formative for me and my ideas of self worth. The desire to suit my crush's gaze ended up rooting itself at the core of my self perception. Gradually my conscious efforts to be wild and interesting became more and more instinctual and I stopped having to try so hard. My awareness of what was normal, right or good warped so much that I had finally become everything that my fourteen year old self wanted to be. The problem was, I didn't want it anymore.

I wont completely expose myself on the internet, but I have made some questionable decisions and put myself in some stupid, occasionally dangerous situations. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I didn't enjoy all the mess. Fun is fun. A little chaos is healthy, but it became my normal and eventually I started hurting people. I got so caught up in it all that I couldn't find where the person I was trying to be stopped and where I stated. It all blurred together. At the end of it all I didn't know who I was without the stories that had my friends too shocked to speak. I felt like a prop in the ongoing joke that was my life, just waiting to deliver the punchline. If ever I wasn't on top form, or felt like I was being too boring, my mind would say, "dance monkey, dance, give the nice people what they came for". Performing and playing the part of the messy friend became easier than letting people see the real me.

All this to say, that its helpful to know why we behave the way we do. Its freeing to recognise our patterns and break away them. I know this is easier said than done. It's taken me a very long time to not think that everything i'm into is dumb, to feel like I am good enough as I am, and believe that somebody could give me a second glance without me having to change. The idea of my secondary school crush still having some subconscious hold over me is so embarrassing that it makes me want to change out of some small, childish defiance to him. That's good enough motive for me.

Maybe you are well aware of how your teenage years affected you, you remember the exact words that someone said and they play on your mind even now. Maybe not. Either way, I encourage you to think about the messy parts of you that you don't like, figure out where they stem from, and realise its healthier to dig them out from the root.