Pick a social media platform and it won't take long before you come across the phrase "for the plot". The idea that chaotic decisions can be justified by the spice they bring to our life's story. A way to embellish the bigger picture of who we are. As a chaos merchant myself, I love this glorification of mess, but as with much on the internet, the whole thing seems a little disingenuous. It denies self-autonomy, reducing impulsivity and desire to something to do simply for the sake of it.
Not to take all the fun out of fun, but I think we should give wildness a little more credit than that. As a woman, recklessness is freedom. My ability to do whatever I want, to not always make the sensible choice, is an extension of feminism. I am a firm believer that every single thing we do is important. You can never know where one small decision can lead, or what habits and beliefs they can implement in your life. I've written a bit about this before, but everything I have done has placed me exactly where I am now, physically, mentally and situationally. The butterfly effect is real, if you're willing to connect the dots, you'll see it.
As I have gotten older I've realised that my desires never go away, not really. I have always wanted to live in a nice house with a pack of dogs and fill my weekends with wine, late nights and good company. I want to read, listen to good music and create things, but not feel like I have to do anything. I want to learn to play the bass and the drums and sing until my chest aches. I want to feel loved and feel heard when I speak. I want to give good advice, feel alive, and do things I'd never do sober. I want to adorn myself with beautiful things that feel like me, and exist exactly as I am. I can only assume these wants will intensify with age, as I become more set in my ways, and I don't want to give my future self any reason to start a sentence with "I wish". The way you want to dress that you think will get you some weird looks, the dreams you have that seem too big, the places you want to go that seem too far away, will stick with you like gum under your shoe, restraining and impossible to ignore.
Suppressing the things you want takes a toll. Overtime, longing becomes regret and regret comes with envy. If I'm lucky enough to reach seventy, it'll be with faded, wrinkled tattoos, but at least I won't have spent my life looking at every one else's ink and wishing it was under my skin. The worst thing you can tell yourself is that the things you want aren't for you, that everybody else is at a rager of a party, but you're not invited.
Obviously some impulsive decisions are more 'harmless' than others and there is something to be said for moderation, but I do believe that every time you lean into what you want, you allow yourself be your more authentic.
Since the start of the year until just a couple weeks back, I felt like a passenger in my own life. Everything felt out of my control so I was willing to accept where life took me. I'm pro go-with-the-flow, but too much flow can make you a passive observer of your existence, tuning in to watch the key bits in hindsight. If there are things you want to do, they will not go away until you get them done. The world won't give you things simply because you want them, so advocate for yourself and for the life you want to live, don't be afraid take the wheel.
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